Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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