that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
