I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
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