non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
