I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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