I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
