he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
