So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
