how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
