You were right. It hurts to walk today.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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