I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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