The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
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