Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
