So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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