Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Randomize
