how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
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24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
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Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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