I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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