I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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