please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
