you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
You are a genius and a whore.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize