don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
