im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
