my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
You ever have a fart follow you around?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
