Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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