so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
