how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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