She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
