It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
