I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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