I smell stomach acid.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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