I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
