i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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