i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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