dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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