its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
