Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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