he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
