It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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