ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
accomplished twins. life is a go
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
