I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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