Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I enjoy the company of your penis
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
