Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
