Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Just invented taco cereal.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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