I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
