No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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