Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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