I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
