I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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