They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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