I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
