i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
