are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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