This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
