At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
God I need to hump something, right now.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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