Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
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