im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
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