youre lurking in front of me
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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