If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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