Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
